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There are times in my life when the whole world just stops and everything else melts away, unleashing my dreadful solitude, undisturbed with an empty feeling of being left alone, away from home. I have been yanked, stitched and pulled by things of my inner cravings, guilty of not really being satisfied with what we already have, and for being so concerned on what makes us live rather than what makes our lives worth living.
This “career upgrade” had made me separated from my loved ones. Every hypoglycemic drug dose I’ve calculated for a patient, every prick of a finger in every blood sugars I’ve taken, I have lost that priceless moment to care for my kids. Every fleeting moment of their growth, my family had felt my absence undeniably. I still don’t know how to explain this to them, that I am far away in training so that I may go back as a subspecialist, a better physician perhaps, to our diabetic patients.
In my conscience-stricken mind, I know I have not yet exerted my super-“bestest” effort as a better parent. And here I am having all the time of the world to be with..well…myself.
My kids may not grasp my intermittent absence, as I would suddenly appear in our home in a flash, just before vanishing again for a long time. It squeezed my heart knowing that they have cried looking for me all over the house realizing in the morning that mom was not in bed with them again. Now it crushed me to know that my kids learned to sleep on their own, without mama’s hugs and lullaby to put them to sleep. And this will go on and on, my appearing and disappearing, till my training ends. In their raw minds, my non-appearance proliferates their lives, seemingly snatching their mom away from them; A huge heartbreaking sacrifice me and my family have to endure.
Imagine your life going to mass alone for over a year now. That’s me, eye-gazing in the crowd of church-goers having acquired the hobby of watching over families with kids the age as my kids. I’ve changed, even my favorite part of the mass has switched, from homily, to that sign of “peace” time, where kids squeeze in to grab a kiss. It is heart warming and comforting indeed as I bow my head and pray to our Almighty to please please bring my loved ones to safety while I am away.
I know I am guilty of craving for more recognition in life, but what is there to applaud? The Lord’s answer came from a reflection in a misalette inside a church, “Life is Like a Cup of Coffee”. And that is, to just make the best of everything for we only have a moment out of every time. Live simply, love generously, speak kindly, care deeply, live uprightly.
My family is now facing a hard battle, of trying to withstand the test of time and distance, and sustain to be together though we are apart. They have let go so I could explore and to leave no rock nor pebble unstirred in hopes that our coming years will have more satisfaction true to my heart’s desires.
And so I pray to bring me safely to the place where I belong, called home, after I am done with this training. I can’t wait to hear my children’s stories once more, no matter how incomprehensible it will be. And watch DVDs while sipping coffee with my loving husband, and listen blankly to my mother’s sermon. Those where our usual simple stuffs I miss. Life will not pass me by just that. When that time comes, nothing will ever be wasted. .
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