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Anna Santos

   
1study

Ever since I left home and be trained in the metropolis, the net has been my comfort zone. Why wouldn’t it be?

Life here is in a fast paced desolate living. As I rushed at the train station in anticipation for my ride or wait along the busy street for a cab, I ruminate about how strange being alone in a new place.

My social life is in rigor mortis and I still had not figured out how to call the CSI for final analysis. No friends, no family to talk to. Not even drinking buddies to relax with after a harsh day. Nearly atypical.

It makes me wonder if my life has been infiltrated by aliens or is this just a case of arrested development. My vital signs show I’m still stable and as I take my emotional pulse I realized I am not here for the social life, I am here to learn and to become what I want to be someday.

But I just need a life. Would it be a crime to want to get that verve up and coming, knowing I am a social being that needs friends around so I can move and lift my spirit? Sure, the internet held me hostage from decrepitude by accessing friends in my Facebook where it seems like every day is a party day.

But wait, the verdict says that’s not reality. Whenever I’m stuck in my laptop getting too unconscious of my time and space, I’m hearing someone saying “Yeah, right. Get a life!” I looked around and it was just me in this empty house. It would have been an amusing sight if my cups and dishes and teapots would speak the “Beauty and the Beast’-fairytale way. But then you have to hit me in the head real hard by now.

Obviously, I’m a bit of a social rut at the moment and surfing doesn’t fix the problem. And well, blogging doesn’t fix it too. It’s relatively easy to throw my spare hours away in front of my computer wasting time surfing the web for useless facts, mumbling about researches getting nowhere and then realizing later how vicious  my time zone has changed.

I dread getting comfortable filling my time with half-decent substitute for making new friends. I’d rather shut my internet out and hit the books. Who says I couldn’t live without the internet? I can do more useful stuff by total online disconnection, I am just not into total isolation.

Once, my mom said Facebook is evil. And I just laugh.  I don’t believe facebook lovers are self-absorbed and narcissistic. Those are ways to seek comfort and ego-boost, making it rather therapeutic and cathartic. Letting your life engulfed by it is what makes it counter-productive.

And being online is not a reality life line. Real life is when you begin putting yourself out there in the real world in the circle of some groups’ radar, ready to be invited or make plans to hang out with.

And so here I am, while I’m having my fellowship training in this new place, I’m crossing my fingers (*wink*). Consequently, first thing’s first. We have to know our priorities so we’ll know when to connect and disconnect.


Anna Santos
  This is a story of physician's luck being put to a test, not by sheer intellect but by bravery and honesty, and of defiance and acceptance. 

  Maybe people thought doctors are second to God.  They save lives and heal people. They thought our feelings are set aside for a far better priorities. Sometimes they thought we are capable of becoming numb in facing deaths and critical illness. Sure we could.  Doctors are humans too. We know how to laugh and have fun, we also know how to cry. We got sick most of the time too, there's no exemption to that. More so, we are most afraid of illness and deaths more than you do when it comes to our own loved ones.

  More than a year ago, God had put me in a situation where my ability to focus was hindered by my emotions as my sister was put into the brink of death. I thought my 2 years of being a junior consultant in the ICU of a tertiary hospital would make me well equipped on these areas. But no. Nobody will be ever be prepared of death when this comes to your own kind, even if you are a doctor specializing on that field.

  Somehow, my clinical perspective in life had changed thereafter, becoming more sensitive and people oriented than focusing on practice guidelines. For in reality, you have to stand up, and sometimes give up, to deliver what matters to your loved ones than to you.

  Being a doctor doesn't give you much money, it even cost you more on liabilities. I somehow regretted having chosen this profession. However, I have now fully understood why the Lord dragged me to the test... to appreciate that I have made a splendid choice in helping people without asking too much, and to never worry for God will provide doctors for you in times of need without a cost too. Hippocrates must have seen that even centuries back, his oath has been proudly recited in every newly licensed doctors in the country.

  So read on, its a true story cut in two parts... 

Anna Santos

PC170555
A Husband’s Reflection
By: Shaun



I once prayed for the person that I longed for. I implore to God to make me win her love, win her trust, and to make her believe that what her heart truly desires may have the chance of becoming real, if she would let me try to be there for her. For a long time I linger on the impossibility, yet even under despair I struggled to stay. She had rejected me once but I plead. I pleaded to her difficult past that’s unwilling to let go. I childishly prayed that she should love me instead of him.


My fervent prayers were answered and by spontaneous providence there was not a doubt that she is God-given. She finally came into my life so beautiful, sincere, and full of idealism and passion about love and the perplexities of life. I must admit I got timid the first time, not because she was difficult to love but a difficult person to discern. Half her heart was concealed by pain, suppressed to give the same love as she had once fulfilled. Even so, as with all gifts of life, we are filled with enthusiasm to unravel what is inside. If it was broken, we tend to look for the missing pieces to put it all together again. We may even discover how it is made and by then we learn and appreciate its history. And all you ever want to do was to protect her next time.


I won the love of my life not by chance but by perseverance. If it means having to confront her parents dismay in the past which is present in every aspect of what we are trying to begin, I'll continue to persist, even if my persistence have brought me too many afflictions. I knew already then that I’ll be inadequate. Not even she could describe who I am to her because she really doesn’t know how or where to begin in the first place. I came to her when I was not needed, yet I insist, and then impair her thoughts… she could have gone into a better life… I should have listened to her silent cry for someone else.


But I did not. I insisted on being the right person for her. I thought that it would not be in vain to try to make everything worked for her. Or was I just too damned to accept rejection? I dwell on the pain and was looking for her empathy. But she came back and that is what matters most to me, and I don’t need to feel anguish that time. Truth of the matter was, I refused to yield about letting her go, about leaving my comfort zones and this made her life tangled in a constant state misery.


The day we got married I developed expectations prematurely. Because I feel like I was now being accepted, I defined myself above all as someone who deserved to be loved and cared, and then my happiness was in her control and I was engulfed with insecurities and anxiety to that assumption. I became overly sensitive if she can’t reciprocate. The more I became emotionally attached to her, the more important I believe she is to me, and it creates more anxiety and panic to me in any event that would make it seem unlikely for her to do so. I feel elated at times when I see the effort but unhappy when she is sometimes inconsistent to meet me halfway. I stoop to low things like accusing; always looking for her faults, keeps reminding her everyday about her failures/imperfections, and jealous of her time outside home. How stupid of me, really! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid… I snapped and it meant everything to her. I became dependent upon these little signs of success or failure in a relationship. I took her to one of those emotional roller-coaster ride. I drove her away by being too emotional or too needy.I should have learned to love her unconditionally. I should have thanked her for just marrying me and not forgetting that she was God’s gift, and that she was special whom I should serve to protect, cherish, and nurture.

My wife has retreated into her deep emotional shell. She will decide if I was too late or too early to ask for her to come out again, and allow me to take her hand once more. Although it squeezes my heart in pain for us not to be together, I need to see the extent that it is necessary to let go of her so she can fulfill her life path. And as I discover mine, I must also learn to let go of my old self and remove the roadblocks to love and forgiveness so she can come home in time. And I pray that she will one day.

I know my children will have to live with all the stress that I’ve caused them because papa was selfish. Without their mama, papa can barely compensate the love she has given them. Nevertheless, I am taking a leap of faith into the unknown, my boys and me having to live as family without the only woman of our lives.


Anna Santos

windmils 
I have always been a hopeless romantic.
 
For a long time, I have tried to discover just what it was that I wanted out of love.
It seems for most people, they just want to find someone with a good sense of humor, someone they can relate to and have fun with. 

But that's not me. I want something more. 

I want someone who admires me deeply, so deep enough he is able to set me free, and allowing me to grow and gleam for my own. Someone who could understand my self-gratifying wishes, knowing this will pass, believing i could surpass this and hoping I'll outgrow this into maturity.

Perhaps I longed for someone whom i can talk to, about anything in the world in general. A person who could listen to all of my stupidity and just laugh about it. Loving every detail of my imperfections , tolerating, patiently considerate, knowing i am one delicate being…. that I must not be manhandled but be loved and cared instead.

I am tired pretending to be strong for all the make believe the world has to offer; of holding back tears when my eyes can no longer bear ; of not letting go of fantasy when reality is too much. Sometimes life gets so difficult to endure that all you can easily think is to give up. And yet, here we are. Looking for love, for approval, for companionship.

But what does that mean exactly? Let me alone be bothered. My mind is confounded with the perplexity of my heart, you might as well get confused with what i am trying to say. But should you try to decipher, then please hear what i am not saying. 

Perhaps I am never satisfied of everything when everything is already given. 

When would this end? ahh….the longing….and everything…

How stupid of me...really.
 



Photo credits: doc Peter Tabar
Anna Santos
How do you gauge masculinity? Is it on solid biceps muscles or the sexy grooved trunk?


Others do not have those, but yet still feel masculine, macho or chauvinist. Whatever you call it. Some are with thin jaw lines and front teeth more defined than a horse's facial plane, and yet still feel that every hot chick that walked pass him desires him deeply to their bedroom. Eeww... I wanted to vomit.


How do you define this manhood? Is it conceit? Or self denial? Or insecurity hiding under the façade of overconfidence?


There are those, for some reason, fascinates himself by telling his girlfriend how he was glanced at and greeted by another sexy lass, or how he thought his ex was still in-love with him, or how unforgettably titillating he was in bed in each of his physical sensual encounters, and continued to narrate how he was torn by women fighting over him.


Alas! He emerged victorious from the luxury of seeing a freaking jealous girl parading to make a scene, searching for her greatest adversary, in a fighting stance. I see these men got nerves too tight! That even a prescription of Pregabalin or Gabapentin for repair of nerve damage won't penetrate his senseless neurons.

I have known this type of male specie, these genre of sexist men, but not necessarily sexy. Their "penile-centric" sentiment is their flawed nature, a genial chaos. I have tried to be cautious ever since, avoiding being the victim of their predatory attitude.

But these sexist men should beware. Somebody might love to freak their already freaking jealous girlfriend by taking advantage of his male's weakness, by feeding something he loved to hear into his ballooning ego in a dwindling physical manner. He might not know his flawed nature was just being played on, used against his girl….


But then again, does it concern him at all?


Well, my advice is not to the sexist men, for they know not what to do without their "pogi" points. I just felt sorry for the girls who lived with these types of men. Their life would be constantly on guard, forever on a fighting stance; a bit jittery and jumpy, and threatened on the edge. If all men are like this, making their women lose confidence on themselves, well, I'd rather live without a man at all.
Anna Santos

AX051837


Sometimes in your journey through life,  there's a person you find interesting and you wished you could have been friends and shared secret ambitions together. Either because you think you're both stuck in the same situation and you want to hear his side of the coin, or because he's responsible, smart and witty, and you knew he wouldn't take advantage. So you felt like you wanted to look inside his thoughts because you think this person may help you improve your physical well-being. 

But how do you move passed awkwardness to be just who you are in front of this person? How do you maintain your grace, especially when both of you had been burdened by responsibilities and time wasn't generous enough for a getting-to-know-you head start? Is talking about what happened to your patients a good defense, before you explore one another's dreams and aspirations? Or does a referral system in the workplace work on this matter?

Good conversation naturally comes when you consider simple stuffs that happen to one another, medical books you read, songs they love, or foods they like to cook as a simple step towards talking about much important things. It is not just a simple hi and hello along the hospital's catwalk nor clinic hallways as we dashed for stats and ASAP's. Plus it would be very inappropriate to talk about music and books and foods in the midst of an ailing patient, is it not?

If you really desire this person, taking the first move may be awkwardly difficult, not to mention an embarrassing tongue-mumbling event. It’s like going to the gym for a body-building exercise, you need a 30-minute warming up before you proceed to the main activity or you’ll ache much afterwards. For sure, anybody would think you’re acting a little bit weird hitting on with them just like that, as you blabber around and do the talking.

My advice: wait for the timing. Well, may it be weeks or months, who knows? Getting to know a person is a lifetime process, to start it right and make it right is what matters most. Just like what others say, “It’s all in the timing”.


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