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Showing posts with label childs longing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childs longing. Show all posts
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A 40 year old female patient came in due to a cough that started few hours ago. At last I’m not dealing with diabetes this time, or else, I could already build a sugar factory. It was the usual clinic day, seeing patients one after another, giving words of encouragement, sighing in between, every time someone has a high blood sugar, or reminding again and again when DM complications starts to show. Sometimes it is a thought-provoking combat against the scourge of diabetes. Having this woman in front of me with a one day cough, I thought her case was easy.

Shifting my brain back to General Medicine, we started our conversation and physical exam:
Patient: I started coughing this morning doc. It’s disturbing my sleep. Can you give me my antibiotic for this?
Me: Did you have fever? Difficulty of breathing? 
Patient: No I don’t have. But I usually run for an immediate consult and my doctors gave me antibiotic every time. 
Me: Well, based on my physical exam, your lungs are clear. You do however have fine tremors, a palpable thyroid gland, though only mildly enlarged, Your heart rate seemed a bit fast, your BP is slightly elevated and… Did you just say it started just today? 
Patient: Yes. I always have that seasonal cough and colds. But I have a transplant patient at home. 
Me: Oh I see. Then you should get flu shots yearly. We have a lot of vaccinations now for your age. I fear you might develop antibiotic resistance if you keep on taking it. 
Patient: Yes I know but I’m running out of budget after all the costs we've been thru. Next visit maybe. I just want the antibiotic. 
Me: Yes ma’am, unless there is a clinical indication, I can give you that.  What I’m saying is, you might have a thyroid disorder, and your cough might be cardiac in origin. 
Patient: But I already have a cardio doctor that deals with my heart. He gave me the medicine for blood pressure. I came to you for the antibiotic. 
Me: I mean your present problem may be hyperthyroidism with a thyrotoxic heart disease. It’s a problem in your thyroid gland hormones which gives a problem in your heart. Now if you want some antibiotic lets run these test and lets see if you have an infection.
 The patient returns after several hours bringing all the laboratory results..
Me: The tests confirmed my suspicion of a thyroid disorder. Here’s the medicine for your thyroid, and here’s for the heart. You take this every… 
Patient: I did all your tests doctor, now can I have my antibiotic and attend to a post transplant patient?  
Me: You’re a care-giver now? 
Patient: Yes, a care-giver, at home, to my only daughter..I don’t want her to get this cough. 
Me: May I ask what organ ? 
Patient: Kidney. It got injured in a car accident and she’s diabetic, type 1, on insulin since 10 years old.
Hearing those, I prescribed her the pill she desperately asked for,  allowing my medical principles to bend a little while giving advice on vaccinations and prophylaxis.

When you’re a mother, sometimes you are blinded by the welfare of your children that you wouldn't take any principles and arguments attached to these. She was never interested in her illness. It was her daughter she wanted to protect. Here’s  a mother who is brave enough to raise a Type 1 DM child and strong enough to fight for her child’s welfare over her own. Shame on me for not paying attention immediately.

And I thought I wasn't dealing with diabetes this time.

Happy mother’s day to all the mothers in the world.
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     There are times in my life when the whole world just stops and everything else melts away, unleashing my dreadful solitude, undisturbed with an empty feeling of being left alone, away from home.  I have been yanked, stitched and pulled by things of my inner cravings, guilty of not really being satisfied with what we already have, and for being so concerned on what makes us live rather than what makes our lives worth living.




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     This “career upgrade” had made me separated from my loved ones. Every hypoglycemic drug dose I’ve calculated for a patient, every prick of a finger in every blood sugars I’ve taken, I have lost that priceless moment to care for my kids. Every fleeting moment of their growth, my family had felt my absence undeniably. I still don’t know how to explain this to them, that I am far away in training so that I may go back as a subspecialist, a better physician perhaps, to our diabetic patients.

    In my conscience-stricken mind, I know I have not yet exerted my super-“bestest” effort as a better parent. And here I am having all the time of the world to be with..well…myself.

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My kids may not grasp my intermittent absence, as I would suddenly appear in our home in a flash, just before vanishing again for a long time. It squeezed my heart knowing that they have cried looking for me all over the house realizing in the morning that mom was not in bed with them again. Now it crushed me to know that my kids learned to sleep on their own, without mama’s hugs and lullaby to put them to sleep. And this will go on and on, my appearing and disappearing, till my training ends. In their raw minds, my non-appearance proliferates their lives, seemingly snatching their mom away from them; A huge heartbreaking sacrifice me and my family have to endure.


        Imagine your life going to mass alone for over a year now. That’s me, eye-gazing in the crowd of church-goers having acquired the hobby of watching over families with kids the age as my kids. I’ve changed, even my favorite part of the mass has switched, from homily, to that sign of  “peace” time, where kids squeeze in to grab a kiss. It is heart warming and comforting indeed as I bow my head and pray to our Almighty to please please bring my loved ones to safety while I am away.


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     I know I am guilty of craving for more recognition in life, but what is there to applaud? The Lord’s answer came from a reflection in a misalette inside a church, “Life is Like a Cup of Coffee”. And that is, to just make the best of everything for we only have a moment out of every time. Live simply, love generously, speak kindly, care deeply, live uprightly.


    My family is now facing a hard battle, of trying to withstand the test of time and distance, and sustain to be together though we are apart. They have let go so I could explore and to leave no rock nor pebble unstirred in hopes that our coming years will have more satisfaction true to my heart’s desires.

    And so I pray to bring me safely to the place where I belong, called home, after I am done with this training. I can’t wait to hear my children’s stories once more, no matter how incomprehensible it will be. And watch DVDs while sipping coffee with my loving husband, and listen blankly to my mother’s sermon. Those where our usual simple stuffs I miss. Life will not pass me by just that. When that time comes, nothing will ever be wasted. .

my road











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