I have been trying to decipher what I longed in my life. A lot has been given now by our Almighty but I still need to achieve more. Was it truly the saying that man (or woman) doesn't satisfy himself (or herself)?After all the code blue and code red, code white and code black, intubate here, there, ASAP, Now, STAT, run go move, think accurately but think fast.....One great moment to save someone's life at the brink of death is one great leap to a euphoric disposition... . So now what?
Post-residency and post- ICU days, it seems that my life went to a halt. Yes, frozen like a toad mortified in the pond of ice cold water. I get flustered, and I don't like it.
For 3 months now, I've been dealing with OPD consultations, walk-in patients, and possible admissions. And what do I deal with?
For 3 months now, I've been dealing with OPD consultations, walk-in patients, and possible admissions. And what do I deal with?
- * Students who sometimes came to me with their own self-made diagnosis;
- * Ladies who came for documentation of a slap on their faces but without a slap mark (what would I write on the medical certificate?);
- * Teens complaining of their breast getting bigger (it's just their growth hormone);
- * People who want to avail their sick leave, so they complain to you:
- * They have cough without fever;Or flu without symptoms; Or just anxious of 0-3 rbc on urine; Or walks towards you limping after accidentally hitting their ankle, but walked out straight after receiving the medical certificate.
Times like this, when I like to vomit all the nonsense complains of these ambulatory people, I think of wanting to go back to ICU, to say hello patients, I miss you. There, they really are sick that they are sick to death of their illness.
And so I miss the days when I'm the captain of the ship. When I shout they scram, when I say move, everything was laid to you in place. Back then, the patient can't tell straight what to do or what not to do, because they are either dyspneic (difficulty in breathing) or comatose or moribund, they will just be grateful for you later.
I miss the intensity of how I deal with life, of how I respected it, that seconds counts, and that life is not to be joked at, that I could lose him/her in my hands. ICU and Emergency Room were the best places I was assigned. It makes you forget problems, gets you to be focused.
I remember during my junior days of residency, I can't wait to be out of the hospital life, and live normally. I had a whole bunch of unsupportive seniors who knew nothing of helping and camaraderie but moves great on crab mentality. Friend colleagues who turned out the same way, soon I have nothing to trust on to but myself,for life in the residency training is all about competition.
Shortly I learned the art of therapeutics, by myself, in the midst of those who wanted to sabotage my existence. I conquered my fear and the lack of confidence; I acquired clear insights and judgment. Later speed on critical analysis of the disease ensued. Who would have thought ICU and ER will become my favorite place when I kept on evading this area during my first year. I have won over my seniors, they failed to fail me.
Now I'm here, working as a consultant, funny I'd like to go back. I don't know, the hype of the hospital rush is addicting, "I love the playing field" so to quote.
Subsequently, I am now at the focal point of an intersection, laying down options is hard but deciding ultimately is tougher. I want to pursue further, I want to prove myself worthy in my medical world. Scholarship grant has been offered. Subspecialty training is waiting. Should I proceed or should I not? Here I go again. I am torn from my being a career woman, to a mother, a wife and a daughter.
But one thing is sure, I will aim high.
So help me God.
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i really admire your perseverance as a doctor and a mom like how i admire that of other doctors. I am an engineering student and i have a friend. I asked him once, 'why are you so enthusiastic with civic organizations like Red Cross Youth? Its hard work and haggard.' and he answered, 'i wanted to be useful. I wanted to save other people lives.' That time i wasn't aware of people 'dreaming' of helping other people. I thought most of the members of my age group (17-20) would consider taking up corporate related courses than service-related course like nursing, etc. Medicine, considering its high educational cost today, is such an unknown field to me back then. now i know how important doctors are. Unfortunately my friend took engineering because he can't afford medicine. :-)
I hope you'd continue this blog. It's really interesting.
thank you for appreciating. not all doctors can make blogs because they dont think its their priority. although i dont quite engage myself with this often, i try to unload stuff thru writing. sure, being a doctor is hard, but being a mom is harder. anyhow, i allow people to view doctors thru my way of thinking though not all of us have the same views. i am just one and pls do not generalize. perhaps i am a deviation from the usual but its good for me.
hehe. that's the real you doc! All these days the word that revolves around you is 'decipher'... Try not to decipher anything. Just let it flow and allow itself to surface and reveal what they truly say, in Greek this means Aletheia. Then you will know the desires of your heart. And whatever it may be, I'm at your back to support you!!!
thanks Dan. its good to hear people believes in me. its quite a long time, i didnt hear much from you lately. hehehe. oh well, with the kind of accident you have, i would understand.
i might be deciding this real soon. and don't worry, you'll hear it from me.
chiao!