I once prayed for the person that I longed for. I implore to God to make me win her love, win her trust, and to make her believe that what her heart truly desires may have the chance of becoming real, if she would let me try to be there for her. For a long time I linger on the impossibility, yet even under despair I struggled to stay. She had rejected me once but I plead. I pleaded to her difficult past that’s unwilling to let go. I childishly prayed that she should love me instead of him.
My fervent prayers were answered and by spontaneous providence there was not a doubt that she is God-given. She finally came into my life so beautiful, sincere, and full of idealism and passion about love and the perplexities of life. I must admit I got timid the first time, not because she was difficult to love but a difficult person to discern. Half her heart was concealed by pain, suppressed to give the same love as she had once fulfilled. Even so, as with all gifts of life, we are filled with enthusiasm to unravel what is inside. If it was broken, we tend to look for the missing pieces to put it all together again. We may even discover how it is made and by then we learn and appreciate its history. And all you ever want to do was to protect her next time.
I won the love of my life not by chance but by perseverance. If it means having to confront her parents dismay in the past which is present in every aspect of what we are trying to begin, I'll continue to persist, even if my persistence have brought me too many afflictions. I knew already then that I’ll be inadequate. Not even she could describe who I am to her because she really doesn’t know how or where to begin in the first place. I came to her when I was not needed, yet I insist, and then impair her thoughts… she could have gone into a better life… I should have listened to her silent cry for someone else.
But I did not. I insisted on being the right person for her. I thought that it would not be in vain to try to make everything worked for her. Or was I just too damned to accept rejection? I dwell on the pain and was looking for her empathy. But she came back and that is what matters most to me, and I don’t need to feel anguish that time. Truth of the matter was, I refused to yield about letting her go, about leaving my comfort zones and this made her life tangled in a constant state misery.
The day we got married I developed expectations prematurely. Because I feel like I was now being accepted, I defined myself above all as someone who deserved to be loved and cared, and then my happiness was in her control and I was engulfed with insecurities and anxiety to that assumption. I became overly sensitive if she can’t reciprocate. The more I became emotionally attached to her, the more important I believe she is to me, and it creates more anxiety and panic to me in any event that would make it seem unlikely for her to do so. I feel elated at times when I see the effort but unhappy when she is sometimes inconsistent to meet me halfway. I stoop to low things like accusing; always looking for her faults, keeps reminding her everyday about her failures/imperfections, and jealous of her time outside home. How stupid of me, really! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid… I snapped and it meant everything to her. I became dependent upon these little signs of success or failure in a relationship. I took her to one of those emotional roller-coaster ride. I drove her away by being too emotional or too needy.I should have learned to love her unconditionally. I should have thanked her for just marrying me and not forgetting that she was God’s gift, and that she was special whom I should serve to protect, cherish, and nurture.
My wife has retreated into her deep emotional shell. She will decide if I was too late or too early to ask for her to come out again, and allow me to take her hand once more. Although it squeezes my heart in pain for us not to be together, I need to see the extent that it is necessary to let go of her so she can fulfill her life path. And as I discover mine, I must also learn to let go of my old self and remove the roadblocks to love and forgiveness so she can come home in time. And I pray that she will one day.
I know my children will have to live with all the stress that I’ve caused them because papa was selfish. Without their mama, papa can barely compensate the love she has given them. Nevertheless, I am taking a leap of faith into the unknown, my boys and me having to live as family without the only woman of our lives.